here i am. now.

here i am now. waiting. and anxious for the things im waitin for to come. Excited in the positive manner. hopeful that transition brings change for the better. Scattered. tattered. blue. cuz, the future does not include somethings i wanted...something i want.

which accounts for my hollow state of walkin. silent state at the stop. waitin on a bus or train, or familiar face to come by and scoop me up and take my mind off what im already missing.

day whatever

Why i gotta walk around with a hollow body? "skin and bones".
pretend.
well, smile. but my teeth provide a wall gaurdin my empty swallow.
although bitter sweet, this lacks much flavor at all.
tastes bout as good as spit when i wake up
got salt but maybe too much, a a sprinkle of sugar but surely not enough.
just kinda like a warm disgust.
i survive a broken heart so i limp maimed.
doin all the things i gotta do throughout the day cuz "you gotta do you".
mmmmmmmm
im bored and procrastinating.
writin, but not quite a poem.
quiet company for my home
alone.

present

My PRESENT is a gift.
feeling like something else...

.....................................................
i feel just as lame as you right now...because i am. Until i accept my humanity i will feel despondent and uncomfortable.

here i am.

I fear the end of things because of the obvious implication of the "E" word.

ride down a hill, gaining momementum, clutching handlebars, focusing balance....
...now do this without brakes n snip the sidewalk just at the bottom.

Joy removed?

Maybe im supposed to find pleasure in the mere ride...isnt that what its all about?
Sorry, but im the one who can't ignore the reality of the situation...and yes, im anxious (understatement).

my circus act, my desperatation contained within a thick glass bubble....for all the world to heed as entertainment. Uneffected.

couple things....

YOU ARE FREE WHEN YOU DO FOR THE SAKE OF DOING. (love for the sake that you love)
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why is that "relationship" becomes the only way we regonize, accept, and actualize love.

Love is love.

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sidenote: i dont mean to sound arrogant by speaking about "truth". I dont assume to know everything but i figure i should pass on at least what ive come to see. you can fight me on it. no biggie.

somethin up

I want to offer something postive....lemmi love people.. check this out.

consider a lifestlye like...

(idk, was it kant? mmmm, maybe ill look through my notes and find the right philosopher that talked bout it...you see i remember the point, not the person...anyway we'll just say "man" to refer to the brain for now...)

Mr. "man" had a plan. well he had this philosophy about ethics. he suggested that the way to live right is to live in a manner in which you are not tryin to manipulate people. He says you should treat and respect others as rational beings. Accordingly, you should not only tell half truths, you should not deceive, you should not behave in ways that you are intending to create some desired consequence. Instead, you should just act honestly and be real, respect others, and accept the true consequences. Thats a real quick summary.

I've alwasy thought bout that idea and try my best to act that way. its hard to jsut be real sometimes knowing the consequences of respecting someone gives them the power of choice. it gives them power to respond in a way that might not be favorable for me.

1 year later, here i am hearing the same typa theme...Confucious (I'm positive its him this time). He says alot about how we should treat each other as human beings. He's proposing that we respect each other as a fellow man, brother, sister, other. We shouldnt race to take the last bite, instead we just hold our pace and if we don't get it, then so be it. If we come up second, then congratulations to our fellow being. we are all in this together.

Hmmmm wellllllll, kinda seems like im supposed to catch the point. cuz thennnnn....

weekend discussion: basically talkin bout a book called "the shack"...i havent even read it but we were talkin bout the theme in it (supposedly). Theme comes to be that we should focus on building relationships.

Im brought to think that it is very important to respect others simply for humanity's sake. Ultimately, LOVE.

I think thats a positive message and an admirable endeavor.
Thats my effort lately.
To love, unselfishly, no manipulation, deception, etc.

(see, im not always an asshole. and this was a thought worth readin right?) My attempt.

check mate.

writers block

ima take that as an excuse. a brain cant be dead. so find out whats inside it. its more of a drone block of people failing to twist their perception...that my thought i think? im thinkin that yes you can have more trouble at times but its all narrow mindedness. sometimes we stop lookin at the world differently. Squint, get some new shades, stylin and profilin. Even when we are different, sometimes we fall into the same ol same. Mix shit up. Prove yourself wrong. Distort somethin and put it back the way it was. Add a wrinkle. If we keep doin the same thing enough, that too will become habitual. I believe it exists....butttttt im startin to merely discredit people's creativity that that claim considering they cannot produce. gee wiz, good thing we're not professional writers. ;) can I turn my blog page into my judgin table? this is simply my online database to bitch right? i hope not for always but it is right now. lovely.